AVATAR

Expectations for the much anticipated Avatar have gotten so great over the years, that many were beginning to doubt director James Cameron's ability to deliver on the hype. After all, it's a film that's been 14 years in the making. When the first trailer was released earlier this summer it looked as though those doubts might become a grim reality. Well Avatar has been out for over a week, and I can easily tell you that all of those doubts were completely unfounded. Cameron proves once again that he's a director that can deliver on the hype, and then take that hype and hump it into submission. Avatar is a stunning achievement. A visually mesmerizing piece of movie making that is the first "must-see" in years.

Set in the year 2154, Avatar tells the story of a legion of mercenary soldiers sent to a far off distant planet called Pandora. Their mission: obtain a highly sought after mineral called "unobtainium" (actually a scientific word, if you believe it). The only problem with unobtainium is that, it's (you've guessed it) very hard to obtain. The only thing standing in between humans and this mineral are the indigenous population of Pandora called Na'Vi. The Na'Vi are 10 foot tall blue humanoids with large ponytails and long tails who live in peace and harmony with their tropical habitat. They are also "very hard to kill".

Jake Sully, played by up and coming star Sam Worthington, is a paraplegic marine recruited to the distant planet to partake in their Avatar program. The atmosphere of Pandora is toxic to humans so the easiest way to travel is to essentially become a Na'Vi yourself through a process that involves linking your brain to the DNA of a homegrown alien shell. It's kind of like The Matrix where your body lies dormant in a tube while your Avatar body is allowed to go native all throughout this hostile environment.

Jake is taken under the wing of Col. Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang) and ordered to infiltrate the natives, gain their trust, and then convince them to vacate their home village so that the Military can harvest the sweet sweet unobtainium (I never tire from using that word). With the promise of having the use of his legs given back to him, Jake easily obliges. That is, until his life is saved by the Na'Vi princess Neytiri (Zoe Saldana) and everything he thought he knew and believed in now means jack shit.

Neytiri teaches Jake how to live in harmony with all of the beasties that live on Pandora. In doing this he starts to learn their customs, their beliefs, and even their language. Soon enough, a love story unfolds as Jake becomes to simultaneously fall in love with both Neytiri and the Na'Vi's way of life. The story is very familiar so as you've probably guessed by now there's a big battle between the humans and the natives that unfolds for most of the film's third act. It's a classic good vs. evil... man vs. nature kind of a tale. But the story is not what's on display here. It's the visuals.

In creating Pandora the makers have succeeded in creating a vast, beautiful, jaw dropping and unique planet with a million facets worth exploring. During the day time, the planet is loaded with animals that could have you for lunch, while at night, everything glows from some inherent bioluminescent quality. Every square inch of Pandora is truly a wonder to behold and you will find your eyes constantly scanning the screen to pick up new details along the way. It really is non-stop entertainment for your eye-balls. (I joked with a co-worker claiming that James Cameron totally Roman Polanski's your eyeballs. Think about it... Yup. I went there.)

Now as for the motion capture technology employed, its easily the best ever seen by an audience. This goes double for the emotions conveyed in the face of Jake's Avatar or in Neytiri herself. The believability in the CGI is absolutely remarkable. When I first saw, The Polar Express, I thought that they should shy away from that technology but after Avatar, I want to see others employ it with as much care as Cameron has. The Na'Vi are brought to life by this process and by the end of the movie you will wish that this world really existed, trust me.

Avatar does a great job creating characters that we care about and villains that we hate. We become absolutely invested in Jake's task to become one of the natives that we stop caring about human beings. Screw um... Na'Vi is where the real party is at. And honestly, if you don't fall in love with Neytiri, I don't even want to hear about it. Even though she's a 10 foot tall blue alien with a tail she's still an awesome character.... and sexy. (Let's face it everyone. She is.)

If none of this has yet attracted you, there's the final action sequence which is worth the price of admission itself. The final showdown between the humans and the inhabitants of Pandora is a kick in your face spectacle that ranks right up there with the final battle in Return of the Jedi. It's fantastic.

I absolutely loved this movie. There is so much to be taken in with each viewing. I loved Pandora. I loved all of the animals that inhabit it, in particularly the Banchee's. I love the relationship between Jake and Neytiri. I love the evil Stephen Lang's character exhibits. I love the Na'Vi. I love how Pandora looks at night. I love how the Na'Vi can essentially "plug in" to any form of life to create a symbiotic relationship. I love the folklore. I love... love.... love this film. Multiple viewings are definitely a must. The only way to see this movie for its true value is on the biggest screen possible. Waiting for the DVD is not acceptable in this case. Avatar will absolutely wow you. Enjoy.

Final Grade: 95/100 Fantastic

2012

Quick! Solve this equation: 2+2 = ?

If you answered correctly, you are already too smart for this movie. 2012 is an action overloaded disaster film about the ultimate disaster... the end of humankind as we know it! Although the end result is not a complete disaster in filmmaking, it will leave many theater-goers hoping for the end to have already come and gone.

If you hadn't yet heard, this film is a result of the hype surrounding the much debated end of the Mayan calendar, which runs out on Dec. 21, 2012. Some believe on that day all of earth's inhabitants will have a front row seat to the ultimate destruction show. The mythology surrounding an event of this magnitude is mildly interesting, but the science to back it up is mostly absent. Nevertheless, it's enough for disaster porn director Roland Emmerich to want to cash in his check and numb our brains.

2012 stars John Cusack as Jackson Curtis, a divorced dad and once published author. The book apparently didn't sell too well, because he has also become a limo driver. He also has to live with the fact that his wife's new boyfriend has made quite a comfortable life for himself. He's a successful plastic surgeon and has captured popularity from his inherited children. Oh yeah, when the movie calls for it, it turns out he's also a pilot.

One day, Jackson takes his two kids on a camping trip to Yellowstone. There, he meets nutty conspiracy theorist Charlie Frost, feverishly played by Woody Harrelson. Charlie, it seems, has been predicting the end of the world for a while now and is positive that the government is covering something up. At first, Jackson is quick to dismiss these allegations as pure BS, but as Charlie's predictions start to come true... well you can just assume from there.

The plot nearly chokes on itself to try and entertain an audience. There are one too many "plane takes off and just barely avoids catastrophe" moments. Just as there are way too many cheese factors, one such involving a Russian models ridiculous attempt at saving her pet pooch. When faced with near death, you won't believe what some people will do to save their animals. Also, Jackson runs into a client of his in LA... then again an airport in Vegas... then finally in China. I hardly see the same bank teller from week to week.

Ultimately, Jackson and his family make their way to China, where they have learned secret mega-boats have been built to save a fraction of earths inhabitants from going for the world record in treading water. Aboard the ships, Emmerich pulls out every cheap thrill in his arsenal. A massive wave crashes into the ship... but wait, somebody left the door open... well that's easily solved, just shut it. Oh wait... it won't shut. And hey, isn't that Mt. Everest we're about to crash in to?

Everything is just way too predictable and over the top for anyone to stay captivated by all of it. I really wanted the film to focus on a lot of things that were never addressed. Firstly, you can't feel attached to any of the characters involved, so when many of them are quickly wiped out it's like, who cares? Next! Secondly, I really think 2012 should have done more to explore the mythology and science behind this belief. We're given a brief video explanation by Woody's character but it's quickly thrown by the wayside to make way for more pointless mother nature homicide. Why is this happening? How does the alignment of the planets effect the tectonic plates causing all of these mega quakes? And why, if this is supposed to occur on Dec. 21st, doesn't it? The movie more or less dumbed down the 2012 belief as an excuse to just kill the world. No explanation needed.

Now on to some praise. This is an action film after all, so lets talk about special effects work. In a word, it's solid. Some scenes are really fun to watch, in particular the one showcasing John Cusack's limo trip to the airport. This is the first action scene to occur in the film, and it's never topped throughout the duration, which is definitely a big problem. It's also clear in this scene that the director just said "screw it. I just want to have fun killing off LA". Afterwards, there are just so many quake cracks and huge floods that one person can take. What would China look like flooded? Now how about Washington? Now New york? Emmerich just plugs in a different location every time and produces the same effects at each. Do we even care? Give us a story for crying out loud instead of a video game!

To sum it up, 2012 showcases some very impressive action scenes but suffers from a convoluted plot and a cheesy script. John Cusack and Woody Harrelson are fun to watch, and Danny Glover as the President is kind of interesting, but all other characters are dead to me. It will be interesting to see what Emmerich's next project will be. After this, there really is nothing left for him to destroy... unless it's all cinema as we know it.

Overall: 60/100 See it once and that should be enough.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

Leave it to Quentin Tarantino to re-write the history books. This is not your typical WWII Film. This is a mashing of multiple genres to create something new entirely. The end result is a picture that just feels perfect. "Perfect" is a word I hardly ever use to describe a movie. You probably have a better chance of hearing me speak fluent Spanish before entertaining such a word as it applies to film. And that's because a perfect film doesn't come along too often. But when it does, Bam! You feel it like it punched you right in the gut. That's what I felt walking out of the cinema.

Basterds is not the movie audiences are expecting. The trailers have been highly misleading, showcasing it to be a purely action driven movie about Brad Pitt and his team of Nazi slayers. There is so much more than that. The first thing that may come as a big surprise to audiences is that a little more than half of the movie is spoken in foreign languages. Since it takes place "Once upon a time in Nazi occupied France" as the title card suggests, the French characters speak French, the German characters speak German, and Brad Pitt's crew speak English... with maybe a few Italian phrases thrown in. The movie is very talky, so expect several long sequences in subtitles. Please don't let this sway you. The dialogue, penned by Tarantino, is some of his sharpest yet. Add on to that several wonderful performances by the foreign supporters. More on that later.

Something else that may surprise audiences is that the movie is Basterd free for about 45% of the film. Meaning that Brad Pitt still may be billed as the lead, but his screen time isn't what you would expect. Also not a bad thing. The stories told when the Basterds are out of the picture are vital to the story, suspenseful, and paced beautifully.

The film is separated into chapters, much the same as Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction. Each chapter serves as its own little movie, each containing build-ups and plot development that come to fruition in the final chapter. And let it be known, the final chapter is damn great. Damn damn great.

In the first chapter, we are introduced to Colonel Hans Landa played brilliantly by Christoph Waltz. He portrays his villain with charisma, charm, and the ability to turn on a dime and scare the hell out of you at a moments notice. If he doesn't get an Oscar nomination, i'll eat my hat... or somebody's dog... or all the members of the Academy. Which ever is easiest.

One word to describe the opening scene: Intense. The music, the performances, the cinematography, it's all beautiful. I don't want to spoil much for the movie, but i will tell you one thing. Play close attention to Colonel Landa. He is a character who is constantly seen smiling, and when there's not a smile on his face he is terrifying. He is given the name the Jew Hunter, a name he relishes in at first, yet rejects later. He is hands down one of the best villains of late. That's him below.

The next chapter introduces us to Pitt and the Basterds. Pitt plays Lieutenant Aldo Raine, a redneck with a Tennessee twang and an unexplained scare on his neck. He leads the Basterds to single handedly wipe out every single Nazi they come across, collecting their scalps in the meantime. The killings by the Basterds are pretty brutal, so expect some violent scenes that may have you crawling in your seat. Within the group is a Basterd nick-named The Bear Jew, played by Eli Roth. He sports a heavy Boston accent and wields a baseball bat. A weapon the Germans are well aware of, and if they're not, they soon will be.

Although Pitt isn't in the entire movie, his performance is far better than I expected. He brings a level of charm and humor to his character that doesn't appear at first glance. Most importantly, he looks like he's having the time of his life playing this role. He makes the movie fun. That's another thing about this film. It is laugh-out loud funny at all of the moments it wants to be. Even some of the violent parts are so brutal and stylish that the entire theatre was laughing.

The rest of the chapters ultimately have to do with setting up a movie premiere for Germany's newest propaganda film. The premiere becomes a big event, with most of the big brass for the Nazi's planning on attending, even the master chef himself -Adolf Hitler. There is a two fold plan in store for this night. The theaters owner, is a survivor of the terror unleashed by Colonel Hans Landa earlier in the film... he just doesn't know it... although one moment where the two enjoy strudel, suggests he does... just doesn't act on it. Why? We find out later. Her plan is to lock all of the doors to the venue once the movie has started and then burn it all to the ground.

On the other side, the Basterds get word of this premiere and they too plan to infiltrate it. This leads to Pitt donning a White Tuxedo and a new language that is one of the biggest must-see moments of the film. Everything about the climactic scene is fantastic. The entire movie has been building towards this moment, so Tarantino unleashes everything in his arsenal. The music, the intensity, the pure stylish show-off Tarantino moments, all find their way into the final scene and it's perfect. Absolutely perfect.

By the time Pitt utters the films last line, I hope you're as knocked over as I was. The last line is a message from Tarantino himself that's very self-indulgent but also extremely satisfying. This is his war movie. This is the movie he wanted to make. This is the ending he wanted, and we're all the better for it. This is a film that demands a second viewing because it's almost impossible to take away everything the movie has to offer. So many good performances, so many great scenes, such good writing, and pure Tarantino direction make it worth several repeat viewings. This is a film that will split audiences. Some will hate it. I just hope more love it the way I do.

Basterds runs a little over 2 1/2 hours but not one scene goes on too long. If anything, it feels too brief. There are so many possibilities and different directions it could have taken that it's easy to believe it could have been split into two films. When the credits role, you'll wish you had more time to spend with these characters. Each is intriguing in their own right, and each has a great story to be told. We're just damn lucky this story was told at all. It truly is Tour de Force filmmaking.

Overall: 100/100 Perfect. And rare.

WOMEN

Ahh, women. Love 'em or hate 'em, one thing is for certain, we gotta live with 'em. Sometimes this can be a blessing, while other times... ehh let's just say other times the blessing seems to be shrouded under a cloth of anxiety and despair. But don't fret, dear reader! Over the years, I have become sort of an aficionado on the fairer sex. I've exhaustively researched movies like What Women Want, and read "Are you there God, it's me, Margaret?" a thousand times over. So if you're looking for some must-read advice on how to co-exist with these busty beauties, you're in the right place. If you're looking for the bathroom, it's the second door on the left. If you hit my bedroom you've gone too far. And if you're looking for the other half of that sandwich... sorry... i was hungry. Finally, it's time for you to undertake the Tim Moore school of women. Let the tutelage begin!

Let's drop a bombshell right from the get-go. Women were put on this earth to accomplish three things:

• Bear our children.
• Feed our children.
• And stop us from leaving the house if our shirt doesn't go with our pants. (What, I can't wear my vintage coors light t-shirt to my job interview?)

I honestly cannot think of any other reasons, but I'm sure there must be some.

Don't get the wrong idea. I love women. I worship the soil they walk on. I remember every single lovely lady that I've ever met throughout my life. (Grace, the lady who checked out at the grocery store in front of me ten years ago, was a saint.) I never forget a face. Women have the faces of angels... even if some of those faces look like they've been hit with a meat hanger time and time again. To sum it up: I enjoy being in the company of women. I enjoy their embrace. But let's not be so quick to pat them on the back. Women have caused more confusion and frustration in the hearts of men than that surrealist painting of the staircases going around in all different crazy directions. The reason: Women are so damn confusing! Don't cower under your power rangers blanket just yet, here are some things that women truly want.

A woman wants to feel needed

Everybody wants to be loved by somebody. It's one of the most warming human emotions that we're capable of. Your little lady isn't complete unless she feels she has a purpose. It's our job as men to give them one. These can by simple tasks, or for the advanced user, complicated ones. For example, a simple task can range from anything like asking her to bring you another beer. For the advanced: make her bring you another beer, give you a lapdance, and feed you a sandwich simultaneously.

Another example: The next time the two of you are just sitting around the house, make her sit around naked. It gives you more areas to focus your eyes while you talk to her. Just don't forget to compliment her body. A good knee-pit compliment will have those ladies melted like butter in no time.

A woman wants to feel secure

All women want to feel safe when they're with their man. Remember when you took your best gal to the beach, and you lost her to the muscleman who kicked sand in your face? To avoid this embarrassing situation, make sure she knows she's secure at all times when with you. I recommend beating somebody up in front of her to prove it, preferably a child... or small animal... or fern. Seeing this release of such aggression shows her that you have what it takes to protect her at all times. After beating up the child, small animal, or plant of some sort, your lady will hardcore make out with you in front of everyone. It will be inappropriate. It will be messy. But most importantly, it will send a sign to men everywhere that this woman is yours and if you mess with her, you better get ready to share the same fate as Ruffy over there.

All women want to prove themselves

Ever since the beginning of time, women have been in a deep hole. Who picked the apple and made their counterpart eat it? Hmm, I believe it was Eve... a woman! Even then, women were burdens to men. But let's not be in a hurry to burn Eve at the stake. She did it because of her desire to prove herself to Adam. Too bad she accomplished being a complete bitch in the process. They even try to prove themselves by voting or holding down a job. Isn't that cute?

Women don't want you to have friends

Sorry bud. If you have friends, you're screwed. For some reason, friends of men are seen as competitors for a woman's affection and she doesn't take too fondly to this at all. Here is a typical situation:

Woman: So I was thinking we would grab some dinner tomorrow?

Man: Oh, I can't. Me and Brian are building a deck together.

Woman: Oh.

(cold silence follows)

(silence still. The guy knows he's screwed. He surrenders.)

Man: But I can call him and make it another night.

All it takes is one word said with a tone for any man to debunk any plans they had made and fall in line with whatever their lady had in mind. But what are we to do? If we don't go with them, they'll just make us miserable for the next few days. This is why women always win fights. A man can have a fight won on logic (99% of the time we do) but we will acquiesce just to make our nights go a little smoother.

Woman: The sky is brown.

Man: Um, no it's blue.

Woman: I can't believe you're saying this. My friends told me one day this would happen.

Man: Ok, you're right. The sky is brown.

Girls: 1 Men: 0

As our score sits at zero, we avoid another night of cold silence from she who most be right... all the time.

WRAP UP

Because of the complexity of the subject, this post could go on and on for years. It has to end somewhere. Let me leave you with this piece of advice.

Women will openly say that they hate men in front of you. Try not to take this personally. Deep down, all women know they can't live without us. Without men, the world would just be one giant shoe mall in which all food had zero calories and The Bachelor aired 24/7 on every single station. What kind of world would that be? Answer: A crappy one. It's a good thing us guys are here to keep the chaos of the universe in order. Hats off to us. We... kick... ass.

P.S. Girls, don't pull that "we have to be the ones who give birth" argument. It's not our fault you got on Gods wrong side by introducing original sin. And that, ladies, is something you can take to the bank. Just leave our credit cards in our wallets.

BRUNO

Myself and my girl both agree that I am a heterosexual individual. On a bet I once killed a cow with my bare hands and ate it raw just to show how manly I am. Then I broke into the Playboy mansion and made out with every single busty blonde in my sight before belching Sweet Caroline in Spanish. Because I am comfortable with my heterosexuality, I found the gay antics that transpired before my Christian eyes in Bruno to be absolutely hilarious. To actually write an educated review of Bruno from a cinematic perspective is a feat that I am not quite ready to attempt. This is because the movie has one purpose and one purpose only: to harvest laughs from an audience. The success of this film definitely varies from person to person. If you laugh a lot, you'll love it. It you're offended, you'll hate it. And the world goes round. In my opinion, it was a success.

Bruno is played by Sacha Baron Cohen (Talladega Nights, Borat, Da Ali G Show). He is a gay Austrian who one day, after ruining a fashion show by dressing himself completely in velcro, decides to be the most famous Austrian since Hitler. Because of this, he and his gay assistant venture to the land of the free to achieve such stardom. Everything that follows are his failed attempts... wonderfully flawed, incredibly gay, beautifully offensive attempts. And when I say incredibly gay, I mean Elton John mated with the Queer Eye guys, and then made their gay baby listen to Liberace and Broadway Showtunes kind of gay. 

Indeed, it is a hard film to review. The point is to be funny. But follow American Beauty's tagline and "Look Closer" because underneath the talking penis' and gay wrestling exists an interesting character study. The purpose of the study: to make human beings look damn ignorant and stupid. That's not to say you and I would react any differently if we were approached by a character such as Bruno, just that it's highly intriguing to be a proverbial fly on the wall. THE MAN INTERVIEWS A KNOWN TERRORIST AND TELLS HIM OSAMA BIN LADEN LOOKS LIKE A HOMELESS SANTA CLAUS!!! Amazing!

Instead of dissecting any further, here is a list of the amazingness that is Bruno. (Spoilers beware argh)

• Bruno's appearance on a talk show in which he introduces his adopted black son wearing a t-shirt that says "Gayby", in front of an all African American audience. 
• Bruno interviews Paula Abdul - says he doesn't have any furniture - so she sits on the backs on Mexicans. She actually sits on them for the interview!
• Bruno interviews the parents of "baby models" - asks some if they would mind their baby being hoisted up on a crucifix for a photo-shoot - the parents agree.
• Bruno goes camping with a group of rednecks with guns. At one point he sneaks into another's tent completely nude and says, "A bear ate all of my clothes and all he left me were these condoms."
• Bruno tries to film a sex tape with Ron Paul. That's right. Ron Paul. 
• Bruno goes to a swingers party and gets beaten up with a belt by a girl with really big/fake boobs.
• A crowd shows up for what starts out as an ultimate fighting cage match, and are enraged when Bruno and his assistant start making out in the ring.

And Oh, so much more.

Bruno is not as funny as its predecessor Borat, but it definitely pushes the envelope over the mailbox. Seriously, if you're offended easily, stay the hell away from this movie. It's okay if people don't find it funny, but you can't blame its offensive nature on anything but yourself. It's comedy.

Score: 70/100 Not as good as Borat, but plenty of shock factor scenarios and laughs to give it a once-over.

PUBLIC ENEMIES

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The Start of Movie Reviews

Four years of talking movies in college just wasn't enough for me. A little late with this one, but here's my take of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

The newest Transformers movie is a movie for your eyes, not your head. It's the epitome of what summer blockbusters are built up to be: Brain numbing, explosion riddled, incomprehensible  clusterfucks. Wait a minute. That doesn't only describe Revenge of the Fallen, but every project Michael Bay puts his hands on. Here is a director that puts everything he can throw at you right up there on the screen. He holds nothing back. Sometimes it works (Bad Boys and The Rock), and other times it falls incredibly flat (cough... Pearl Harbor... cough... cough... Bad Boys II). It seems to me the only way he can be satisfied with himself is if he can one-up his former projects in terms of explosions and preposterousness. 

Revenge is not a good film by any means, but somebody seriously tell me it isn't entertaining. There's just something surreal about subjecting your eyes to 200 million dollars of special effects jacked into 2 1/2 hours. 

Transformers picks up with our hero Sam Witwicky, played again by Shia LaBeouf, as he prepares to move off to college. This causes his mother to ball her eyes out, his dad to celebrate, his yellow transforming Camaro to feel useless, and his uber hot girlfriend (Megan Fox) to pine for him. Fox is another example of how this film is only meant for your eyes. The outfits she sports and just the way her body moves would  make even a porno pretty tame. This aspect of the movie may be slightly inappropriate for a younger audience... along with the dog humping, robotic pussy calling, and drug ingesting that occurs throughout the course of the film. All very much unnecessary but you have to fill the movie with something when you're in between your next metal mashing robot bashfest. 

With Sam away to college, the evil Decepticons plan to take over the world by raising Megatron from a watery grave, and clearing the way for a robot known as "The Fallen" to claim earth for himself. In order to do this, the hero Transformer, Optimus Prime, must be put out of commission. Tear. Meanwhile, Sam starts seeing symbols in his head. This causes a mental breakdown in the middle of one of his classes in the best looking college in the world. You think he would be branded as a lunatic but that doesn't stop one sexy co-ed from trying to get in his pants at a frat party. Megan will be furious, but Prime would probably dig it.

Eventually the symbols lead him and his fellow Transformer buddies to the pyramids in Egypt, where they must stop an ancient weapon from being utilized by the Decepticons. This particular weapon has the power to destroy the sun, so obviously that would be bad. Okay, to say anything else about the plot would be impossible because a plot just isn't there. Yes, there's the makings of a plot, but c'mon... it's not really a plot. It's all smoke and mirrors and a macguffin for more robot destructing mayhem. When it all comes down to it, robot destructing mayhem is all an audience wants going into this film.

Some of the most impressive special effects are utilized, making your eyes go crossed and you're brain disintegrate into a pile of dust. If you involve yourself too much in the plot, you'll realize just how shallow this film is. It's not meant for you think about it. In fact, you brain is so under used for this film that upon seeing it, you'll only be able to use words like, "Crazdifulous," or "Hugetastic" to describe what just happened. 

This is what summer blockbusters are there for. Revenge will entertain you, it won't provoke you. Leave those feelings for Awards Season. And after that, we may be referring to this film as "Academy Award winning 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."  Is it winning best picture? A robots chance in hell. It'll almost definitely take home a nod for visual effects however. Something Michael Bay will certainly rejoice in. Perhaps his only way for living is so people can marvel at all of the wonders created by people around him. 

Score:

75/100

Dentistry

Hats off to those of us who are born with the desire to go into the fine art of dentistry. Most doctors with a degree decide to use their gift to heal, relieve, and cure. Dentists, on the other hand, enjoy their job for one reason: the chance to humiliate and torture even the most respected of clients. Like I said... hats off to them. It's hard for regular people like you and I to stand by as we watch a person suffer, but this comes easy to a dentist.

HUMILIATE:

Can you think of anyone else who would think to talk to you while you're completely incapable of intelligible speech. As soon as the "victim" takes a seat in the electric chair (so named because a button makes it recline, and the fact that it's a device that has the potential to kill you) the dentist begins to ask a series of chit-chat quandaries. This is typical "how is your day going?" type BS; something that is completely understandable for two perfect strangers to make their interactions less awkward. But this isn't enough for the dentist. One would think the chit-chat stops once he has your mouth pried open with sharp instruments sticking out, but no, he continues.

Dentist: So how is work going these days?

Patient: Schell, shive shust beensh promoshted to heash 

      meath inschpector ath the butscher thop.

Dentist: Oh, and how is that going.

The dentist continues fiddling in your 

mouth.

Patient: (Internally) You've got to be kidding me? Shut up.

Dentist: You still with me, bud?

Patient: (A defeated sigh) Yesh.

This happens every time. Ya know why they do this? They freakin enjoy the shit out of it. They relish it! As soon as they throw the lead apron over your internal organs and head out of the room to safety, they probably see a fellow dentist and share stories of how the patients sound so silly with gauze and needles and various alloyed metals sticking out of their mouths.

TORTURE

That's another thing: X-Rays. Am I the only one who thinks that the lead apron they protect us with is a joke? It's a good thing they protect the organs furthest away from the actual X-Ray device and not the closest one. Uh, that would be your brain. Albeit a lead helmet would look silly, but are they really more interested in protecting our appendix than the contents of our skull!? They could care less. As soon as they flip that switch to "fire", they run out of the room faster than a taco bell inspired bowel movement. Thank God the dentists are safe. 

A dentist will also continually make your gums bleed during a routine teeth cleaning. Sharp stick + gum stabbing = gum bleeding. No harm done though, because you can rinse. Phew! I was worried for a second. 

Then they'll stick a mini-vacuum in your mouth. I think this is put there to suck out all of the moisture so you can't spit in their face for being such a jerk. It also makes it hard to swallow seeing as any attempt would result in swallowing your tongue. A non-lubricated surface never yields any good results. Just ask Lindsay Lohan.

So as people who enjoy healthy teeth, we have no problem shelling out money for this kind of torture. Does just one visit do us in? Nope. As soon as you leave there, you'll be sentenced to another visit a mere six months from then. Enjoy your freedom while you can. Soon you'll be living out your sentence once again in the chair.

Random Thoughts

Here are some of the things I contemplated while I mowed the lawn this afternoon:

• What is the plural form of the word plural? Does it have one? "Plurals" doesn't sound right, but then again the computer machine thingy didn't underline it telling me it was wrong. However, it did underline thingy. Twice now. For now, I will just say that the plural form of plural must be a made up word. Like pluralidum. "Jim went to the garage to clean up the scatted rakes, and lawn bags." That sentence contains pluralidum.
• Why are bugs of all sizes attracted to your face? Those little gnats constantly fly around your face begging you to swat them away. Are they into that kind of thing, because there are professionals for that. Seriously, you don't see them flying around any other part of your body. You would think they would stay away from your face, seeing as that part contains the most ways they can die. For example, near your face opens up the chance of them flying into your eye, into your mouth, or just by seeing them we, in turn, swat at them. If you're a bug, here's a word of advice: Stay away from the face. Temporarily blinding someone is not worth your life. This theory is not limited to just the insects capable of flight either. Spiders will also crawl up your face while you're sleeping, or repel down onto you from the ceiling. In my opinion, they're just looking for friends because they don't have any. Everybody hates a spider. They never get invited to parties.
• Finally, if there was a giant food battle, who would win: General Mills, or Captain Crunch? The obvious choice to make is to say General Mills due to his outranking of the Captain. Mills also has a plethora of soldiers at his whim, like Hamburger Helper, Fruit by the Foot, as well as wheaties. And let us not forget Lucky Charms. Leprechauns are no slouches. It would seem the Captain would be overwhelmed by this, but low and behold... his secret weapon. The cereal would cut the roof of everybody's mouth. While they're down for the count, the Captain would lay siege to the General and claim victory for crunch berries everywhere!

Who knows what the next lawn mowing experience will bring...

Idea that needs developing

Just to jot a note in case I want to revisit it. This will mostly be grammatically incorrect and incoherent at times. Just kinda brainstorming.

Idea for a script: A film critic who climbs to the top... starts out very low until he becomes the biggest thing ever. And I'm talking "big" as in it makes no sense for a critic to be that famous. So this critic is notorious for his harsh hitting reviews... especially movies that star a particular actress... let's call her Samantha Furlong. To put it in context Samantha could be like a present day Lindsay Lohan... minus the lesbianism... partying... and crotch shots. But still... in badly reviewed movies.

So this critic gives scathing reviews of most of the films she is in.... nothing personal... just does. I think this guys personality could be lots of fun... cocky but likeable. People in Hollywood are almost afraid of him. Until one day he gets too big for himself. He loses track of the fun in his job and only focuses on everything he hates. Because of this he's rarely invited to the big movie screenings, because studios are in fear of a negative review coming out.

One day, the critic is watching after his 10 year old niece. I'm thinking sarcastic, knows too much for her age... like the little girl in knocked up. He takes her to the park... there he sees Samantha. The two talk yada yada yada why do you hate me... i don't... blah blah... chemistry. Long story short the two fall for each other.

No ending yet... not even a solid story yet. Just ranting for my own future reference. 

Hot Off the Presses

People love news. Whether it's good news, bad news, sad news, inspirational news, we all eat that shit up. Especially the bad news. Nothing is better than giving people a bleaker look at the world than we already have. There are droves  of bad things that happen every day. Just as well as there are multitudes of great things that happen every day. So why then is the bad stuff so much more prevalent than the good stuff? The answer is simple. It's the same reason people look off to the side of the road to see a car crash. We think, "Thank God that isn't me. Oh, it's my next door neighbor Bill? Ehh, he borrowed a socket wrench from me one afternoon and never returned it. The bastard. He deserved it." It may not go exactly like that in everybody's head. I mean, your next door neighbor might be named Fred, or even Gene. Hell, I once knew a person named Shitforbrains. An odd kid Shitforbrains was. 

So in a nutshell, bad news makes our day better when we know it didn't happen to us. Let's face it, God has to smite somebody every day, today thankfully was not your day so just relax and enjoy this bit of bad news that you're not apart of. 

Another thing about us is that every single person has the potential to be a CNN reporter. Let me explain. So you're sitting there listening to the radio, watching the TV, reading the paper, a blog, whatever... any form of media that breaks a news story. After hearing said story, we become mini-reporters by passing on these stories to our friends and family. "Hey,Bill, did you hear about the flock of starving, crazed chickens that devoured three children at the zoo today? Oh, you didn't? Well then it's a damn good thing I told you." After saying these words, we suddenly feel a sense of accomplishment. Because of us, that story will now spread to more people and before you know it, the entire world will know about the chickens blood lust. 

The Start of Things to Come

Why is food that is absolutely detrimental to our health taste so damn good? I take a look in the fridge. Let's see here... left over salad mix, a salmon burger from the night before, and some green beans, all awaiting me in their sealed plastic houses. Now comes the important decision. Do I close the refrigerator door and settle for a few popsicles and pretzels? Maybe I stick with what's in the fridge, but I know that this particular option will cease to satisfy me. 

Then is dawns on me. I am a grown adult (that status comes upon turning 22, I believe), and I can use this magic machine called a car to drive to an infinite amount of food distributors that will happily supply me with whatever my stomach desires. The entire world is one giant dinner plate. Just think of the possibilities. Two large supermarkets are within one mile of my house. How convenient is that? Oh, and get this, one of them has the best steaks anywhere, and I looove my steak. There's also a Subway within a mile, as well as countless fast-food chains. So since I'm flying solo for dinner tonight I can choose to eat fresh, have it my way, think outside the bun, and do what taste's right. Oh yeah, I'm lovin' these options so much more than the already forgotten fridge.

So I cave in to my desires. Showing no self-control whatsoever, I head to the nearest burger joint to get my fill of the greasy food that drives my salivary glands wild. I've placed my order now and while I sit in the drive-through I tell myself that this is the last time I'll subject my body to this kind of torture. This is a lie. Up at the window, I'm handed my bag of food. A label notifies me that it was made of recycled paper products. The glistening dark spots on it let me know that there's just enough grease. 

The bag of greasy food is coming home with me. It sits in the empty passenger seat just like it was a member of the family, beckoning me as I drive. Then I do something that has to be done every single time I go through this routine. Even though I plan on eating upon arriving at home, I have to... absolutely have to reach in to that bag to steal some french fries away from their counterparts. After I steal a few, I quickly close the bag back up to conserve the heat. After all, a hot meal is much better than a cold one. The same goes with baths, women, and coffee. Unless it's iced coffee. That stuff is good. Anyways, the closing of the bag is a pointless maneuver. Even though I've told myself to wait until I get home to unleash the feast before me, I open the bag again to steal some more fries! Am I really this weak!? Is my self-control so bad that I let a couple of french fries dictate my behavior? In this case, yes I do. 

I don't know who to blame here. God for making good tasting food bad for us? Nah. He's pretty cool. Do I blame myself for letting myself get away with such cravings? No, sir. Don't you know that I'm just the victim here? Seriously. So who do I blame? For the hell of it I'll blame Barack Obama... or Hitler. They both suck. Oh, Celine Dion as well. She's Canadian.