Dentistry

Hats off to those of us who are born with the desire to go into the fine art of dentistry. Most doctors with a degree decide to use their gift to heal, relieve, and cure. Dentists, on the other hand, enjoy their job for one reason: the chance to humiliate and torture even the most respected of clients. Like I said... hats off to them. It's hard for regular people like you and I to stand by as we watch a person suffer, but this comes easy to a dentist.

HUMILIATE:

Can you think of anyone else who would think to talk to you while you're completely incapable of intelligible speech. As soon as the "victim" takes a seat in the electric chair (so named because a button makes it recline, and the fact that it's a device that has the potential to kill you) the dentist begins to ask a series of chit-chat quandaries. This is typical "how is your day going?" type BS; something that is completely understandable for two perfect strangers to make their interactions less awkward. But this isn't enough for the dentist. One would think the chit-chat stops once he has your mouth pried open with sharp instruments sticking out, but no, he continues.

Dentist: So how is work going these days?

Patient: Schell, shive shust beensh promoshted to heash 

      meath inschpector ath the butscher thop.

Dentist: Oh, and how is that going.

The dentist continues fiddling in your 

mouth.

Patient: (Internally) You've got to be kidding me? Shut up.

Dentist: You still with me, bud?

Patient: (A defeated sigh) Yesh.

This happens every time. Ya know why they do this? They freakin enjoy the shit out of it. They relish it! As soon as they throw the lead apron over your internal organs and head out of the room to safety, they probably see a fellow dentist and share stories of how the patients sound so silly with gauze and needles and various alloyed metals sticking out of their mouths.

TORTURE

That's another thing: X-Rays. Am I the only one who thinks that the lead apron they protect us with is a joke? It's a good thing they protect the organs furthest away from the actual X-Ray device and not the closest one. Uh, that would be your brain. Albeit a lead helmet would look silly, but are they really more interested in protecting our appendix than the contents of our skull!? They could care less. As soon as they flip that switch to "fire", they run out of the room faster than a taco bell inspired bowel movement. Thank God the dentists are safe. 

A dentist will also continually make your gums bleed during a routine teeth cleaning. Sharp stick + gum stabbing = gum bleeding. No harm done though, because you can rinse. Phew! I was worried for a second. 

Then they'll stick a mini-vacuum in your mouth. I think this is put there to suck out all of the moisture so you can't spit in their face for being such a jerk. It also makes it hard to swallow seeing as any attempt would result in swallowing your tongue. A non-lubricated surface never yields any good results. Just ask Lindsay Lohan.

So as people who enjoy healthy teeth, we have no problem shelling out money for this kind of torture. Does just one visit do us in? Nope. As soon as you leave there, you'll be sentenced to another visit a mere six months from then. Enjoy your freedom while you can. Soon you'll be living out your sentence once again in the chair.