Tats

I’ve occasionally entertained the idea of getting a tattoo. It’s a short-lived debate because I’m too much of a pre-pubescent girl to actually go through with it. A tattoo is sort of like a bumper sticker: something you get for yourself, but it also serves as a badge to show off to all around you. It’s also stuck there forever. We’ve all seen those cars with bumper stickers for something that’s completely out of date. Ones like, “Ross Perot for President”, or “I Heart Women Suffrage”. Sorry to tell you but these aren’t really relevant today. Yet, there they sit on your tired vehicle. If you try to remove ‘em you can never quite get it all. Every person approaches an outdated bumper sticker the same way:

"Okay. All I have to do is pull up on this one protruding corner. Look sticker… my track record of removing you cleanly is spotty at best. But this time it’s going to be different. Today is the day that I get ALL of you. I can see your weaknesses clearly now. OK, world… await my victory!

(riiiiiip) “Shit! It happened again! Okay, this isn’t terrible. I think I got a third of it off now. Just gotta dig under it a little more… and… I’ll… have it. . . (riiiiiiiiip) Shit! It’s ok. Keep your calm, Tim. Everything will work out in the end. Half… way… there.” . . (Riiii Riiiiiii Riiiiiiiiiiip Rip)

“HA!! HA HAAA! VICTORY! You were a stubborn little bastard but I got you now. I laugh in your pathetic little sticky face. HA HA HA.--- Now what the hell is this sticky residue you left behind? “

Truth be told, you can never remove a bad bumper sticker completely. Tattoos are permanent in the same way. Sure, you may be able to get them removed somewhere down the road, but who in their right mind wants to be left with a sticky residue (or in this case: sticky residue = a puss filled skin sac).

Going hand-in-hand with a tattoo is tattoo regret. All kinds of thoughts fly through your brain. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my dogs name tattooed on my scalp.” Or, “Maybe it isn’t the brightest idea to tattoo my bank account under my wrist watch”. Twenty years from now I don’t want to be staring at my kickass Blue’s Clue’s tat seeing the word, “loser”, instead of an innocent blue paw print. That and the fact that having a plethora of kids pointing at my leg shouting, “A CLUE! A CLUE!” is plain creepy.

There’s a long list of things that I’m afraid of. It’s a list so extensive that it rivals anything that Schindler could ever dream of compiling. Tattoo regret makes that list. BUT!.... here is my proposal for a totally awesome tattoo that would make everyone around you jealous. This idea was born from the fact that if I were to tattoo my body, I would want something Irish. I’ve thought about a Celtic cross, an Irish flag, or hell, maybe even a box of Lucky Charms cereal- all amateur compared to what I came up with:

Ready for this? Located on your left wrist is a tattoo of a leprechaun. Travelling up your entire arm to your shoulder is a rainbow. This rainbow continues the entire way across your chest until it reaches your other shoulder, then travels down your right arm. Waiting at your right wrist will be a tattoo of a pot of gold. BOOM! Genius, I know.

Upon telling this to a co-worker, I was notified that it “sounded sort of gay”. That person is a fool. What, it’s gay just because there’s a rainbow involved!? Screw that. I have zero problems with gay people, but who do they think they are for hijacking the rainbow and making it theirs? They had no right to do that. Rainbow’s are totally badass, right? Gay people need to seriously consider a different symbol. Richard Simmons could be a possibility.

FREE THE RAINBOW!