Rant

The world is going to shit.

"Why, Tim... what makes you say such a thing?"

Let me explain.

This has zilch to do with the ever-staggering economy. Nor does it relate to Iran or North Korea furthering their agenda to destroy the world. It doesn't even pertain to terrorists, NYC mosques, rabid dogs, little old ladies trying to cross the street, or gender confused cuttlefish. No, my friends. What I have in mind is far worse than all of these factors combined.

Jersey Shore's "the situation" is making five million dollars this season.

FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!

I shit you not.

Gee... I wish I could make a cool five mil by being a morally reprehensible, stereotyping scumbag. Take a look around ladies and gents. This is the world we live in. A world where thousands of American businesses are struggling to keep up their payroll while giant douches like "The Situation" stand to get fat.

Evidently, he goes by this name because his abs are actually what "the situation" refers to. What.... a..... jackass. I have a name for my abs too. I call them the Tyrannosaurus Rex... because much like the T-rex, they are extinct. All right Mr. TV Producer, can I have my check now?

It's not just "The Situation". It's everything about that show. Snookie looks like something mothers threaten their kids with when their acting up. "Kids, if you don't behave the Snookie will come eat you." Then she pulls out a picture of what the monster looks like, and the children promptly jump out the nearest window.

Then there's Pauly D; a guy who must have gone to the barber after watching a marathon of the movie "Eraserhead".

*Which is which???

Honestly, do girls go for the "troll doll that just got dropped in the toilet" look? If so, I'm in for a lonely life.

In the end, I really don't care that these people are walking stereotypes capable of offending every race, creed, and code. That's not the part that bothers me. It's the fact that they are, indeed, members of the human race. You see, I'm a big fan of the human race. Every living person has substantial potential to make the world a better place to live in. Yes, every so often a bad egg comes along and wants global domination. And yes, some decide to hack up their family members because they heard a voice in their head forcing their hand. But people for the most part are inherently well intentioned. Annnnnnd then there's the Jersey Shore crew.

We're screwed.

Waldo: I hardly knew ye.

Growing up, I had a vast collection of "Where's Waldo" books. This was my home school version of Geography class. It would later lead to problems in school when my teacher asked me to find the state of Wisconsin on a map. After exhausting my search I gave up, citing the fact that although one state looked like it had the red and white colored hat, it lacked the glasses. Another day, another F on the report card. That teacher just didn't understand the cultural phenomenon that is Waldo. I couldn't recognize my own country on a map, but man was I good at picking out an odd looking man in a crowd of people.

Waldo really was an odd looking individual. Close your eyes and it doesn't take long to picture a slightly homosexual looking Jeff Goldblum decked out in red/white stripes and sporting a pair of glasses. What kind of fashion sense does this guy have? But it wasn't just Waldo. On every page there were crowds of people wearing eerily similar outfits. Waldo "impersonators" if you will. They were solely responsible for throwing you off the trail, making you think you found Waldo, only to make you look foolish when it was revealed that you still had searching to do. In other words, these guys were dicks. Some would wear larger hats with the same colored stripes. Others would wear striped overcoats. And others still wore glasses with square rims instead of the traditional circular optics. Waldo must have had a lot of sway in this society to be able to influence that many people. (Coming soon: Queer Eye for the Waldo Guy) And am I the only one who's concerned about the cane? Why is he handicapped at such a young age? Is it a bone deficiency? Does he walk with a limp? Dear Waldo creator, please write an origin story. Thanks.

In each and every Waldo book, the objective was simple: find Waldo. Perhaps I'm in the minority of people who desperately wanted to know why. Why should I find Waldo? What the hell did he do to merit this kind of investigation? To me, it always felt like Waldo was just trying to get away for a while. We all need a vacation, don't we? Instead, no matter where he went, there were thousands of probing eyes waiting to shout out his name. "Ooh let's go to a medieval castle" -FOUND. "How about a middle eastern marketplace" -FOUND. "A glacier in the south pole?" -FOUND. Poor Waldo just couldn't catch a break. You don't need to ask a celebrity what it's like being constantly bombarded by the paparazzi day in and day out; just ask Waldo. Angelina Jolie ain't got nothing on him.

Still, I kept looking for Waldo and pondering these sorts of questions. What did Waldo do for a career? He must have been massively successful in order to afford all of the trips he took. I like to assume he was a playboy billionaire. His parents made their fortune as oil tycoons, but due to a fatal car accident, he was left with their fortune. Now, in order to grieve with his loss, Waldo travels the globe in search of solidarity. I think that would make a good movie.

There could also be a deeper meaning to these books, aside from just killing time and enteraining your children with A.D.D.. Perhaps the Waldo books serve as a cautionary tale for the future. Something every setting has in common is that they are all severely overcrowded. Just take a look at this picture:

See? There are wayyyyyy too many people in one area. Where the hell are they? Every place can't be Disney World on the fourth of July. It appears in this image they're selling vacuum cleaners in one area and boots in another.... WHAT!?!? This many people for boots??!! As you can see, not many people are even buying these items. There's no identifiable line anywere. Everybody is just standing in the way. If only they would move, I could warn Waldo: "WALDO, GET OUT! THEY'RE REALLY SHITTY LOOKING VACUUM CLEANERS. YOU'RE WASTING YOUR ENTIRE SATURDAY! NOOO!"

Another movie idea: A wacky school teacher named Waldo has just killed one of his students who always spoke out in class. Scared and on the run, he seeks refuge across the globe. Due to his increasingly growing popularity and influence, he convinces droves of people to wear disguises to throw off the cops. Will they find him and bring him to justice? It's up to you, dear viewer, to ask yourself this question, "Will you find Waldo?".

Hollywood, I'll be in touch.

These are just things I ponder sometimes...

Duck.... Duck..... Duck!

I miss playing Duck, Duck, Goose.

Ahh those were the good old days. A time when we would all be content just sitting around a circle tapping each other on the head. They were simpler times indeed. Times when a game of tag could occupy three hours of every day and give you a great nights sleep every night. Sometimes I try to relive these days by going out on the street and touching people at random while notifying them that they are indeed "it". Results haven't been positive thus far, and have resulted in numerous restraining orders and psychiatric appointments. However, I have now built up an immunity to pepper spray so it's not all bad.

There should be nothing wrong with a group of twenty-somethings all getting together to compete in these activities again. The next time somebody asks you to help fill out a game of basketball or football, notify them that you applaud their leadership but would much rather engage in a rousing game of tunnel tag! The look they give you is one only reserved for us true revolutionaries.

Duck, Duck, Goose was also a fantastic sport (yes, a sport. It's coming to the olympics soon). This was a game that taught kids at an early age how exclusionary it is to be a goose. Nobody wants to be a goose. We all want to be ducks. If someone calls you out as being a goose you have to defend yourself by tackling them as quickly as possible, thus proving that you are way more duck than they could ever be. Tip: If there's a girl you have a crush on, make sure you make her the goose every single time. You'll revel in the time you get to spend grabbing for each other.

Why bring this up now, you ask? Well it just so happens that I saw a pack of ducks swimming today as a tight-nit group. Off in the distance on the lake, a goose. A smart, yet cautionary game this Duck, Duck, Goose turned out to be. So what did I do with this pack of happy looking ducks? I fed them bits of bread of course. The goose got nothing. Just as well. Have you ever tried approaching a goose? They hate humans... and I think they're plotting something sinister. We've tried to appease them by allowing them to have their own brand of vodka, what else could they possibly want? Keep a keen eye, that's all I'm saying.

Also, I just want to say that feeding the ducks brought a certain level of glee to my heart. It really is enjoyable knowing that you helped some kind of creature gain some sustenance for the day. This will probably make me a good candidate for fatherhood. Some day I will have little ones relying on me to be fed. And when that day comes, I will place them gingerly in the tub and start throwing bread crumbs at them. Ahh, I can't wait for that day to be here.