WOMEN

Ahh, women. Love 'em or hate 'em, one thing is for certain, we gotta live with 'em. Sometimes this can be a blessing, while other times... ehh let's just say other times the blessing seems to be shrouded under a cloth of anxiety and despair. But don't fret, dear reader! Over the years, I have become sort of an aficionado on the fairer sex. I've exhaustively researched movies like What Women Want, and read "Are you there God, it's me, Margaret?" a thousand times over. So if you're looking for some must-read advice on how to co-exist with these busty beauties, you're in the right place. If you're looking for the bathroom, it's the second door on the left. If you hit my bedroom you've gone too far. And if you're looking for the other half of that sandwich... sorry... i was hungry. Finally, it's time for you to undertake the Tim Moore school of women. Let the tutelage begin!

Let's drop a bombshell right from the get-go. Women were put on this earth to accomplish three things:

• Bear our children.
• Feed our children.
• And stop us from leaving the house if our shirt doesn't go with our pants. (What, I can't wear my vintage coors light t-shirt to my job interview?)

I honestly cannot think of any other reasons, but I'm sure there must be some.

Don't get the wrong idea. I love women. I worship the soil they walk on. I remember every single lovely lady that I've ever met throughout my life. (Grace, the lady who checked out at the grocery store in front of me ten years ago, was a saint.) I never forget a face. Women have the faces of angels... even if some of those faces look like they've been hit with a meat hanger time and time again. To sum it up: I enjoy being in the company of women. I enjoy their embrace. But let's not be so quick to pat them on the back. Women have caused more confusion and frustration in the hearts of men than that surrealist painting of the staircases going around in all different crazy directions. The reason: Women are so damn confusing! Don't cower under your power rangers blanket just yet, here are some things that women truly want.

A woman wants to feel needed

Everybody wants to be loved by somebody. It's one of the most warming human emotions that we're capable of. Your little lady isn't complete unless she feels she has a purpose. It's our job as men to give them one. These can by simple tasks, or for the advanced user, complicated ones. For example, a simple task can range from anything like asking her to bring you another beer. For the advanced: make her bring you another beer, give you a lapdance, and feed you a sandwich simultaneously.

Another example: The next time the two of you are just sitting around the house, make her sit around naked. It gives you more areas to focus your eyes while you talk to her. Just don't forget to compliment her body. A good knee-pit compliment will have those ladies melted like butter in no time.

A woman wants to feel secure

All women want to feel safe when they're with their man. Remember when you took your best gal to the beach, and you lost her to the muscleman who kicked sand in your face? To avoid this embarrassing situation, make sure she knows she's secure at all times when with you. I recommend beating somebody up in front of her to prove it, preferably a child... or small animal... or fern. Seeing this release of such aggression shows her that you have what it takes to protect her at all times. After beating up the child, small animal, or plant of some sort, your lady will hardcore make out with you in front of everyone. It will be inappropriate. It will be messy. But most importantly, it will send a sign to men everywhere that this woman is yours and if you mess with her, you better get ready to share the same fate as Ruffy over there.

All women want to prove themselves

Ever since the beginning of time, women have been in a deep hole. Who picked the apple and made their counterpart eat it? Hmm, I believe it was Eve... a woman! Even then, women were burdens to men. But let's not be in a hurry to burn Eve at the stake. She did it because of her desire to prove herself to Adam. Too bad she accomplished being a complete bitch in the process. They even try to prove themselves by voting or holding down a job. Isn't that cute?

Women don't want you to have friends

Sorry bud. If you have friends, you're screwed. For some reason, friends of men are seen as competitors for a woman's affection and she doesn't take too fondly to this at all. Here is a typical situation:

Woman: So I was thinking we would grab some dinner tomorrow?

Man: Oh, I can't. Me and Brian are building a deck together.

Woman: Oh.

(cold silence follows)

(silence still. The guy knows he's screwed. He surrenders.)

Man: But I can call him and make it another night.

All it takes is one word said with a tone for any man to debunk any plans they had made and fall in line with whatever their lady had in mind. But what are we to do? If we don't go with them, they'll just make us miserable for the next few days. This is why women always win fights. A man can have a fight won on logic (99% of the time we do) but we will acquiesce just to make our nights go a little smoother.

Woman: The sky is brown.

Man: Um, no it's blue.

Woman: I can't believe you're saying this. My friends told me one day this would happen.

Man: Ok, you're right. The sky is brown.

Girls: 1 Men: 0

As our score sits at zero, we avoid another night of cold silence from she who most be right... all the time.

WRAP UP

Because of the complexity of the subject, this post could go on and on for years. It has to end somewhere. Let me leave you with this piece of advice.

Women will openly say that they hate men in front of you. Try not to take this personally. Deep down, all women know they can't live without us. Without men, the world would just be one giant shoe mall in which all food had zero calories and The Bachelor aired 24/7 on every single station. What kind of world would that be? Answer: A crappy one. It's a good thing us guys are here to keep the chaos of the universe in order. Hats off to us. We... kick... ass.

P.S. Girls, don't pull that "we have to be the ones who give birth" argument. It's not our fault you got on Gods wrong side by introducing original sin. And that, ladies, is something you can take to the bank. Just leave our credit cards in our wallets.

BRUNO

Myself and my girl both agree that I am a heterosexual individual. On a bet I once killed a cow with my bare hands and ate it raw just to show how manly I am. Then I broke into the Playboy mansion and made out with every single busty blonde in my sight before belching Sweet Caroline in Spanish. Because I am comfortable with my heterosexuality, I found the gay antics that transpired before my Christian eyes in Bruno to be absolutely hilarious. To actually write an educated review of Bruno from a cinematic perspective is a feat that I am not quite ready to attempt. This is because the movie has one purpose and one purpose only: to harvest laughs from an audience. The success of this film definitely varies from person to person. If you laugh a lot, you'll love it. It you're offended, you'll hate it. And the world goes round. In my opinion, it was a success.

Bruno is played by Sacha Baron Cohen (Talladega Nights, Borat, Da Ali G Show). He is a gay Austrian who one day, after ruining a fashion show by dressing himself completely in velcro, decides to be the most famous Austrian since Hitler. Because of this, he and his gay assistant venture to the land of the free to achieve such stardom. Everything that follows are his failed attempts... wonderfully flawed, incredibly gay, beautifully offensive attempts. And when I say incredibly gay, I mean Elton John mated with the Queer Eye guys, and then made their gay baby listen to Liberace and Broadway Showtunes kind of gay. 

Indeed, it is a hard film to review. The point is to be funny. But follow American Beauty's tagline and "Look Closer" because underneath the talking penis' and gay wrestling exists an interesting character study. The purpose of the study: to make human beings look damn ignorant and stupid. That's not to say you and I would react any differently if we were approached by a character such as Bruno, just that it's highly intriguing to be a proverbial fly on the wall. THE MAN INTERVIEWS A KNOWN TERRORIST AND TELLS HIM OSAMA BIN LADEN LOOKS LIKE A HOMELESS SANTA CLAUS!!! Amazing!

Instead of dissecting any further, here is a list of the amazingness that is Bruno. (Spoilers beware argh)

• Bruno's appearance on a talk show in which he introduces his adopted black son wearing a t-shirt that says "Gayby", in front of an all African American audience. 
• Bruno interviews Paula Abdul - says he doesn't have any furniture - so she sits on the backs on Mexicans. She actually sits on them for the interview!
• Bruno interviews the parents of "baby models" - asks some if they would mind their baby being hoisted up on a crucifix for a photo-shoot - the parents agree.
• Bruno goes camping with a group of rednecks with guns. At one point he sneaks into another's tent completely nude and says, "A bear ate all of my clothes and all he left me were these condoms."
• Bruno tries to film a sex tape with Ron Paul. That's right. Ron Paul. 
• Bruno goes to a swingers party and gets beaten up with a belt by a girl with really big/fake boobs.
• A crowd shows up for what starts out as an ultimate fighting cage match, and are enraged when Bruno and his assistant start making out in the ring.

And Oh, so much more.

Bruno is not as funny as its predecessor Borat, but it definitely pushes the envelope over the mailbox. Seriously, if you're offended easily, stay the hell away from this movie. It's okay if people don't find it funny, but you can't blame its offensive nature on anything but yourself. It's comedy.

Score: 70/100 Not as good as Borat, but plenty of shock factor scenarios and laughs to give it a once-over.

PUBLIC ENEMIES

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The Start of Movie Reviews

Four years of talking movies in college just wasn't enough for me. A little late with this one, but here's my take of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

The newest Transformers movie is a movie for your eyes, not your head. It's the epitome of what summer blockbusters are built up to be: Brain numbing, explosion riddled, incomprehensible  clusterfucks. Wait a minute. That doesn't only describe Revenge of the Fallen, but every project Michael Bay puts his hands on. Here is a director that puts everything he can throw at you right up there on the screen. He holds nothing back. Sometimes it works (Bad Boys and The Rock), and other times it falls incredibly flat (cough... Pearl Harbor... cough... cough... Bad Boys II). It seems to me the only way he can be satisfied with himself is if he can one-up his former projects in terms of explosions and preposterousness. 

Revenge is not a good film by any means, but somebody seriously tell me it isn't entertaining. There's just something surreal about subjecting your eyes to 200 million dollars of special effects jacked into 2 1/2 hours. 

Transformers picks up with our hero Sam Witwicky, played again by Shia LaBeouf, as he prepares to move off to college. This causes his mother to ball her eyes out, his dad to celebrate, his yellow transforming Camaro to feel useless, and his uber hot girlfriend (Megan Fox) to pine for him. Fox is another example of how this film is only meant for your eyes. The outfits she sports and just the way her body moves would  make even a porno pretty tame. This aspect of the movie may be slightly inappropriate for a younger audience... along with the dog humping, robotic pussy calling, and drug ingesting that occurs throughout the course of the film. All very much unnecessary but you have to fill the movie with something when you're in between your next metal mashing robot bashfest. 

With Sam away to college, the evil Decepticons plan to take over the world by raising Megatron from a watery grave, and clearing the way for a robot known as "The Fallen" to claim earth for himself. In order to do this, the hero Transformer, Optimus Prime, must be put out of commission. Tear. Meanwhile, Sam starts seeing symbols in his head. This causes a mental breakdown in the middle of one of his classes in the best looking college in the world. You think he would be branded as a lunatic but that doesn't stop one sexy co-ed from trying to get in his pants at a frat party. Megan will be furious, but Prime would probably dig it.

Eventually the symbols lead him and his fellow Transformer buddies to the pyramids in Egypt, where they must stop an ancient weapon from being utilized by the Decepticons. This particular weapon has the power to destroy the sun, so obviously that would be bad. Okay, to say anything else about the plot would be impossible because a plot just isn't there. Yes, there's the makings of a plot, but c'mon... it's not really a plot. It's all smoke and mirrors and a macguffin for more robot destructing mayhem. When it all comes down to it, robot destructing mayhem is all an audience wants going into this film.

Some of the most impressive special effects are utilized, making your eyes go crossed and you're brain disintegrate into a pile of dust. If you involve yourself too much in the plot, you'll realize just how shallow this film is. It's not meant for you think about it. In fact, you brain is so under used for this film that upon seeing it, you'll only be able to use words like, "Crazdifulous," or "Hugetastic" to describe what just happened. 

This is what summer blockbusters are there for. Revenge will entertain you, it won't provoke you. Leave those feelings for Awards Season. And after that, we may be referring to this film as "Academy Award winning 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."  Is it winning best picture? A robots chance in hell. It'll almost definitely take home a nod for visual effects however. Something Michael Bay will certainly rejoice in. Perhaps his only way for living is so people can marvel at all of the wonders created by people around him. 

Score:

75/100

Dentistry

Hats off to those of us who are born with the desire to go into the fine art of dentistry. Most doctors with a degree decide to use their gift to heal, relieve, and cure. Dentists, on the other hand, enjoy their job for one reason: the chance to humiliate and torture even the most respected of clients. Like I said... hats off to them. It's hard for regular people like you and I to stand by as we watch a person suffer, but this comes easy to a dentist.

HUMILIATE:

Can you think of anyone else who would think to talk to you while you're completely incapable of intelligible speech. As soon as the "victim" takes a seat in the electric chair (so named because a button makes it recline, and the fact that it's a device that has the potential to kill you) the dentist begins to ask a series of chit-chat quandaries. This is typical "how is your day going?" type BS; something that is completely understandable for two perfect strangers to make their interactions less awkward. But this isn't enough for the dentist. One would think the chit-chat stops once he has your mouth pried open with sharp instruments sticking out, but no, he continues.

Dentist: So how is work going these days?

Patient: Schell, shive shust beensh promoshted to heash 

      meath inschpector ath the butscher thop.

Dentist: Oh, and how is that going.

The dentist continues fiddling in your 

mouth.

Patient: (Internally) You've got to be kidding me? Shut up.

Dentist: You still with me, bud?

Patient: (A defeated sigh) Yesh.

This happens every time. Ya know why they do this? They freakin enjoy the shit out of it. They relish it! As soon as they throw the lead apron over your internal organs and head out of the room to safety, they probably see a fellow dentist and share stories of how the patients sound so silly with gauze and needles and various alloyed metals sticking out of their mouths.

TORTURE

That's another thing: X-Rays. Am I the only one who thinks that the lead apron they protect us with is a joke? It's a good thing they protect the organs furthest away from the actual X-Ray device and not the closest one. Uh, that would be your brain. Albeit a lead helmet would look silly, but are they really more interested in protecting our appendix than the contents of our skull!? They could care less. As soon as they flip that switch to "fire", they run out of the room faster than a taco bell inspired bowel movement. Thank God the dentists are safe. 

A dentist will also continually make your gums bleed during a routine teeth cleaning. Sharp stick + gum stabbing = gum bleeding. No harm done though, because you can rinse. Phew! I was worried for a second. 

Then they'll stick a mini-vacuum in your mouth. I think this is put there to suck out all of the moisture so you can't spit in their face for being such a jerk. It also makes it hard to swallow seeing as any attempt would result in swallowing your tongue. A non-lubricated surface never yields any good results. Just ask Lindsay Lohan.

So as people who enjoy healthy teeth, we have no problem shelling out money for this kind of torture. Does just one visit do us in? Nope. As soon as you leave there, you'll be sentenced to another visit a mere six months from then. Enjoy your freedom while you can. Soon you'll be living out your sentence once again in the chair.