Upon googling them under the precise phrase "white car decals with family members", I was redirected to www.familystickers.com. What I discovered here is not for the faint of heart. But before I go into that, let's discuss what the hell these are in the first place.
We have all seen them. On any given day, you'll find yourself engaged in a pleasant, peaceful drive. The sun is shining. You're humming your favorite song (mine would be something by The Wiggles). The gentle breeze rustles your hair (or scalp, for all you baldies out there). Then BAM! A minivan pulls in front of you flaunting these white decals on their rear window. These white decals account for each and every member of their family. There's one for mom, dad, and however many children they may have. There are even ones for pets. All right, hold on one minute. Why must people feel it necessary to show off how great their families are? Is it to sadden all of the motorists on the road that don't have families? Are they trying to make everyone else jealous?
"Ohh look at my family. I have not one, not two, but six children! This is proof that I can procreate (but not proof that you believe in protected sex). And my dog! Ohhh, look at my dog! His name is Ruffles. I bet you wish you had a dog this awesome. And my wife. Just check out the rack on my white stick figure wife! You wish you had a wife this stacked! And these kids. Oh, these kids! One's a soccer star and the other's allergic to peanuts!"
A few thoughts:
1) What happens if your family splits up? It must feel really painful having to pull mommies sticker off the family car when she decides to leave you for Samuel, the scoliosis prone balloon salesman.
2) When you cut people off on the road, do you really want those behind you to say things like, "That asshole! That's it. I'm following them home to kill one... two... three of their pet sparrows! Oh, and their two perfect looking children too!"?
3) Can anybody obtain these stickers or is there some kind of authentication process? Can I create my own fake family? I think I'll give myself a wife holding a bag of money, and two boys depicted as rich baseball stars. Drivers behind me will be so jealous.
4)Do you have to keep buying them to update your family? Susie's 26 now but on the back of your car she's still wearing curlers in her hair and drooling with a box of crayons in her mouth.
5) Morbid thought: If a family member passes on, does the company sell the red circles with the line going through it as well?
6) From a race standpoint: Where the black stickers at?
Here are some examples of what can be found on the website:
Oh, my God. When did the government start issuing drivers license's to turtles? I blame this on global warming. If we keep polluting the waters around us, more and more turtles will take to the road to drive gas guzzling cars with the mentality "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
Somebody please contact the humane society. This dog is extremely malnourished. And its neck may be broken.
This family is really sporty and talented... except for the mother who's only good at folding her hands and standing on one leg (try it. it's actually very difficult) or their youngest, who's only good at shitting their pants (with years of training, she too may be able to master the ancient art of hand folding).
Well, folks. I could just go on and on with example after example. Here's the bottom line: I really don't like cars with these stickers. There are probably worse things on the road like texting or nail painting, but they don't bother me as much. I never would have thought that I would harbor such hostility for little white sticks on the back of glass. And if you're reading this and happen to have these on your cars... may God have mercy on your soul.
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