Dick Clark's Rockin New Years Eve

It appears this is my first posting in the year 2010. That's inexcusable. I'm blaming this on you, 2010. You must be an incredibly dull year so far for me not to write anything. Oh, how far we (as a society) have progressed since the year 2009. Still no flying cars. I hear-tell Toyota is in the process of pioneering this technology. Their premature ambitions have only yielded par results, however. The flying is still non-existent. But the automatic acceleration... now that's something they've gotten good at. Orville and Wilbur (not the popcorn man and the pig) would be proud... I think? (Note to self: develop television sitcom entitled Orville and the Pig)

2009, you wouldn't even recognize 2010. People gather in the masses now to view moving pictures in a place called a cinema. Sure, you had them back in '09 as well, but now everything is three dimensional. This means that pre-teen girls can feel three times as pathetic trying to make out with an emo-werewolf/vampire type thing. Is it just me or does anybody else think that in the future, scientists may discover that 3-D causes side effects such as eye sweats, pupil confusion, face displacement, or brain amplification? Note: People experiencing pupil dilation for more than four hours should consult an optometrist or else risk an onset case of Stevie Wonderfication. It should also be noted that the Twilight movies already cause all of these side effects, even without being 3-D. Oh, and cancer. Twilight causes cancer. Alert the authorities.

Another miracle product of 2010 is something known as an iPad. Sure, iPods existed in your day, but this is something completely revolutionary. It's 10 times as big as an iPod. And if you're a midget, they're 100 times bigger! Disclaimer: Not actual midget approximations.

Apple is also releasing a new iPhone. Sure, it's a lot like the old iPhone, but now it includes a video camera capable of connecting you face to face via a phone call! It also includes voice recognition software. Say a name of a contact and your phone calls that person. This is terrifying. Hear me out with this hypothetical:

You're dating a girl named, say, Jessica Hiddlepot. It's been a pretty long-term relationship but things are starting to get dicey. So, you end up cheating on Miss Hiddlepot. You're with your mistress, who knows of your infidelity, when her name comes up. "Oh, you're such a better kisser than Jessica Hiddlepot. She utilizes her teeth muscles way too much." Then boom! Your phone hears your voice, recognizes the name, and calls up the neglected girl. Not only does she have to hear you making out with a girl with less tooth muscles, she gets to see it! This can create all kinds of difficulties in your relationship, as you may have guessed, and the fact that Jessica has muscles in her teeth is just the beginning.

Technology is scary. And so is the year 2010. Time to go hide in my glow in the dark sleeping bag and re-play those nostalgic 2009 moments over and over again. Oh, and exercise my teeth. They're starting to atrophy.