Let's drop a bombshell right from the get-go. Women were put on this earth to accomplish three things:
- Bear our children.
- Feed our children.
- And stop us from leaving the house if our shirt doesn't go with our pants. (What, I can't wear my vintage coors light t-shirt to my job interview?)
Don't get the wrong idea. I love women. I worship the soil they walk on. I remember every single lovely lady that I've ever met throughout my life. (Grace, the lady who checked out at the grocery store in front of me ten years ago, was a saint.) I never forget a face. Women have the faces of angels... even if some of those faces look like they've been hit with a meat hanger time and time again. To sum it up: I enjoy being in the company of women. I enjoy their embrace. But let's not be so quick to pat them on the back. Women have caused more confusion and frustration in the hearts of men than that surrealist painting of the staircases going around in all different crazy directions. The reason: Women are so damn confusing! Don't cower under your power rangers blanket just yet, here are some things that women truly want.
A woman wants to feel needed
Everybody wants to be loved by somebody. It's one of the most warming human emotions that we're capable of. Your little lady isn't complete unless she feels she has a purpose. It's our job as men to give them one. These can by simple tasks, or for the advanced user, complicated ones. For example, a simple task can range from anything like asking her to bring you another beer. For the advanced: make her bring you another beer, give you a lapdance, and feed you a sandwich simultaneously.
Another example: The next time the two of you are just sitting around the house, make her sit around naked. It gives you more areas to focus your eyes while you talk to her. Just don't forget to compliment her body. A good knee-pit compliment will have those ladies melted like butter in no time.
A woman wants to feel secure
All women want to feel safe when they're with their man. Remember when you took your best gal to the beach, and you lost her to the muscleman who kicked sand in your face? To avoid this embarrassing situation, make sure she knows she's secure at all times when with you. I recommend beating somebody up in front of her to prove it, preferably a child... or small animal... or fern. Seeing this release of such aggression shows her that you have what it takes to protect her at all times. After beating up the child, small animal, or plant of some sort, your lady will hardcore make out with you in front of everyone. It will be inappropriate. It will be messy. But most importantly, it will send a sign to men everywhere that this woman is yours and if you mess with her, you better get ready to share the same fate as Ruffy over there.
All women want to prove themselves
Ever since the beginning of time, women have been in a deep hole. Who picked the apple and made their counterpart eat it? Hmm, I believe it was Eve... a woman! Even then, women were burdens to men. But let's not be in a hurry to burn Eve at the stake. She did it because of her desire to prove herself to Adam. Too bad she accomplished being a complete bitch in the process. They even try to prove themselves by voting or holding down a job. Isn't that cute?
Women don't want you to have friends
Sorry bud. If you have friends, you're screwed. For some reason, friends of men are seen as competitors for a woman's affection and she doesn't take too fondly to this at all. Here is a typical situation:
Woman: So I was thinking we would grab some dinner tomorrow?
Man: Oh, I can't. Me and Brian are building a deck together.
Woman: Oh.
(cold silence follows)
(silence still. The guy knows he's screwed. He surrenders.)
Man: But I can call him and make it another night.
All it takes is one word said with a tone for any man to debunk any plans they had made and fall in line with whatever their lady had in mind. But what are we to do? If we don't go with them, they'll just make us miserable for the next few days. This is why women always win fights. A man can have a fight won on logic (99% of the time we do) but we will acquiesce just to make our nights go a little smoother.
Woman: The sky is brown.
Man: Um, no it's blue.
Woman: I can't believe you're saying this. My friends told me one day this would happen.
Man: Ok, you're right. The sky is brown.
Girls: 1 Men: 0
As our score sits at zero, we avoid another night of cold silence from she who most be right... all the time.
WRAP UP
Because of the complexity of the subject, this post could go on and on for years. It has to end somewhere. Let me leave you with this piece of advice.
Women will openly say that they hate men in front of you. Try not to take this personally. Deep down, all women know they can't live without us. Without men, the world would just be one giant shoe mall in which all food had zero calories and The Bachelor aired 24/7 on every single station. What kind of world would that be? Answer: A crappy one. It's a good thing us guys are here to keep the chaos of the universe in order. Hats off to us. We... kick... ass.
P.S. Girls, don't pull that "we have to be the ones who give birth" argument. It's not our fault you got on Gods wrong side by introducing original sin. And that, ladies, is something you can take to the bank. Just leave our credit cards in our wallets.