Who I'll Marry

Because I am single, it would appear that I have a conglomeration of options to pick whomsoever I wanted to date. I like to think of myself as a nice catch, so finding a member of the opposite sex who semi-tolerates me shouldn't be too difficult, right? Well... whatever the case may be, I remain single. It could be because I'm shooting too high. You can decide for yourself, for here are the top three women I'm holding out for with hopes of marrying them.

1) Zooey Deschenel

A lot to like here. She's beautiful, she's witty, and she's got (in my honest opinion) a really sexy voice. She currently sings in a two person group known as "She and Him". If you need proof that angels exist, just listen to one of her songs. Or check out this clip from behind the scenes on CONAN:

Hell... yes. If she could meld her character's personalities from ELF and 500 days of Summer, then that's the perfect girl for me. Also, I'm sure her child bearing hips will be sure to give me a fit, masculine child. I don't want to plan too far ahead. Just giving myself something to shoot for (pun intended...?)

2) Taylor Swift

I first started paying attention to T. Swift when I heard Love Story for the first time. First of all, great song. Second of all: How can you not like a girl who has big enough balls to change the ending of William Shakespeare's classic tragedy? That's like changing the ending of the Titanic so that instead of hitting an iceberg and sinking, everybody lands safely and eats pie at a carnival. Point made.

She's also pretty damn cute and although I wouldn't classify her looks as "hot", she is definitely beautiful. Taylor Swift, if you're reading this, you should probably consider a life of happiness with yours truly. I'll give you plenty of great inspiration for love songs. Also, I want you to read me a bedtime story as I fall asleep. Just saying.

3) Mrs. Carlson

Every boy has a crush on a certain teacher as they're growing up. For me, it was the darling woman who taught me in pre-school. Ahh yes... I had a huge crush on the woman who taught me to keep my mouth away from that plate of glitter and glue. Sure, she was too old for me back then... and yes, the last time I saw her was 18 years ago, but that doesn't mean I should give up hope. Although I can't remember what she looked like, I'm sure she was pure beauty personified. I only go for the hot danes.

* It should be noted that this picture is not of Mrs. Carlson. But who knows, it could be...

There you have it, ladies. If you're one of those three, do not hesitate to phone me directly. I am ready and willing.