OSCAR PICKS!

All right... a little late at making picks this year... but here we go nonetheless...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Who will win: Melissa Leo

Who I want to win: Hailee Steinfeld

There's no question that "The Fighter" had some great performances on both side of the gender spectrum. Melissa Leo is great, as well as Amy Adams, Mark Wahlberg, and of course, Christian Bale. Having said that, Hailee Steinfeld's breakout performance in "True Grit" is one of the best, if not the best, performance by an actress this year. She shows some great promise for her future acting career. Still, Melissa Leo has a lot of legs this year and will win it.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Who will win: Christian Bale

Who I want to win: Christian Bale

Having "The Fighter" take home both supporting acting awards this year truly says something about the depth of characters in the film. Geoffrey Rush is remarkable in "The King's Speech", but with all the buzz surrounding Bale, there is no doubt in my mind that he will not leave empty handed.

BEST ACTRESS

Who will win: Natalie Portman

Who I want to win: Natalie Portman

This is probably the easiest award of the year. Although it would be nice to see Annette Benning take home the award after failing to win it in previous years, there is not a soul who can take this away from Portman. She truly transformed her life to take on this role, and her hard work and dedication shine through. These are too easy so far.

BEST ACTOR

Who will win: Colin Firth

Who I want to win: James Franco

There were a lot of strong performances in this category this year. James Franco's turn as trapped hiker Aron Ralston in "127 Hours", is the standout performance of the year. Without Franco's acting, this movie falls apart at the seams. Yet, Colin Firth has a ton of steam and there is no doubt that he will win. I prefer Franco's desperation act to a stuttering Firth. Ta ta today, Junior!

BEST DIRECTOR

Who will win: Tom Hooper

Who I want to win: The Coen Brothers

I'm still bitter over Christopher Nolan being snubbed this year. It's inexcusable. There is no way that "The King's Speech" is a better directed film than "Inception". One is held together by the acting (King), while the other is held together by the utter genius of the man in charge (Inception.) Like I said, this will be a bitter award and Tom Hooper will go from not deserving to be nominated, to winning it outright. Blah.

BEST PICTURE

Who will win: The King's Speech

Who I want to win: INCEPTION

I have no shame in saying that INCEPTION was my favorite movie of the year. From start to finish, it's the most original, intriguing, and well executed film of the year. Also the most entertaining and thought provoking. Yet The King's Speech will win because that's how these things work. It's got all the pre-oscar awards in its pocket, and all signs point to it taking home the most gold this year. Whatever. There's always next year.

Some quick ones here:

Best animated film: Toy Story will win as the sky is blue.

Cinematography: True Grit. Amazing, amazing camera work.

Editing: Social Network will win. The editing make this movie pop.

Score: Hans Zimmer SHOULD win for inception.... but social network will win. Blah.

Original Screenplay: I'm going to pick Christopher Nolan for INCEPTION here... but I think The King's Speech might steal it.

Adapted Screenplay: I wish the Coen's had a chance, but Aaron Sorkin will get it for "Social Network."

TOP FIVE OF 2010

Another year of films has come and gone. I haven't done a list of this sort since the days of Backstage Pass (56 pride!!) so let's roll through the BS and get right into it. Here are my top 5 films of 2010. (minor note: I have not seen Black Swan yet... therefor, there is no need to go crazy on me for not including it. Although, even without having seen it, I will award it some kind of honorary degree for greatest sex scene of the year. I'm looking at you Mila and Natalie. Hey now. Winky face.)

5) Shutter Island

This film is definitely going to be looked over this year. It's a shame, but it's rare for a film released at the very start of the movie calendar year to receive any such recognition come award season.

I've watched this film about a half dozen times so far. With each viewing, my appreciation only increases. Martin Scorsese's psychological thriller, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, is simultaneously chilling, emotional, powerful, and thought provoking. The screen is peppered with beautiful imagery and cinematography, that you can't helped but get pulled in to its sense of time and space.

More things I love about it: pretty much all of the performances. All vary in complexity, but my two favorites belong to Ben Kingsley and Michelle Williams. Even though Williams plays a bit part, her performance carries the most emotional impact and displays the overall subtle creepiness felt throughout the film. I also love all of the nightmare's that Leo's character has to endure each and every night. Hands down this is a beautiful film to watch unfold and it's also one that benefits from multiple viewings.

4) Toy Story 3

Let it be known... this film made me fight back tears. Prior to its releases, I was definitely a tad skeptical about a third film. Yes, everything Pixar makes is miles above the care and quality of 90% of the films out there, but the thought of Andy growing up and going to college had me a little on edge. Lo and behold, there was no reason to fret. Toy Story 3 proves yet again that the geniuses at Pixar are some of the best story tellers of this generation.

The one scene that stands out the most when I think of this film definitely has to be the one in which our plastic heroines lock hands as they're heading for certain doom. I don't think I've witnessed a more intense scene in an animated movie.... ever. Mufasa getting killed in the Lion King doesn't even come close. Toy Story 3 is as hilarious as it is heart warming. This is why is definitely deserves to be on this list. Wall-E is still my number 1 Pixar film, but this one comes close.

3) 127 Hours

James Franco, you should probably win some kind of award for this. Hell, even if it's a Kid's Choice Award, I'll be happy for you.

Without a doubt, this is one of the most claustrophobic and thrilling movies I've seen in a long time. We all know the story by now: Hiker Aron Ralston goes on a trek in the middle of nowhere, gets stuck in a crevice for five days, and has to cut off his own arm to survive. The film (based on the inspiring true story) is somehow able to tell an engaging story with its principal actor trapped in the same space for an hour in a half. Without the performance from Franco, this movie would not be nearly as engaging. In the end, it's really a story about how precious life really is, and how one single person can do incredible things when faced with absolute death.

The film also works so well because the viewer automatically puts themselves in the situation as it unfolds. What would you do in his shoes? Could you bring yourself to saw off your own arm with a dull knife? What kind of regrets would you have if you had to face a fate like this? Would you have told that girl you were sorry? That you loved her? That you should have lived life a little more fully? These are the questions I pondered during this film and it makes one man's personal story all the more personal to each and every one of us. Also, let's just call the real Aron Ralston a complete badass with balls the size of bowling balls and move on.

2) True Grit

If Jeff Bridges didn't win the oscar last year, he would be taking it home this year. Maybe he'll repeat, who knows? However, the Academy can be funny sometimes and will probably not go for Bridges. This, coupled with the buzz surrounding Colin Firth, spells out no two-fer for the Dude.

It should be noted that I have somewhat of a Coen bias. I hold mostly all of what they create in high esteem (barring intolerable cruelty, and the ladykillers, naturally). True Grit is just a miraculous film to behold. It's full of brilliant performances (the most notable coming from newcomer Hailee Steinfeld), as well as a superb script that demands that you listen intently to every word coming out of each character's mouth. I read somewhere that the Coen's rarely ever allow an actor to go off script, and you can plainly tell here because the words are so perfectly spoken, delivered, and purposeful that if they do not win the oscar for best Adapted Screenplay, then the Academy is full of blithering idiots.

1) Inception

This is everything I want in a movie. There is so much to love about this film that I am not going to even try writing a coherent paragraph or two. List spewing, activate!

I love every single action set piece. The film takes your typical caper type shoot out/chase scene film and flips it upside down (sometimes literally). The last hour in a half is so beautifully realized and executed that one can't help but appreciate everything it must have took to put this film from pre to post. This film is the brain child of Christopher Nolan, and I'm going to jump out and say that if his movies were his children, this would definitely be the one he chose to take out for ice cream all of the time. He remains one of the most influential and creative auteurs of our time.

It has to be mentioned that the score by Hans Zimmer is fantastic. Every note, every crescendo, adds to the environment and compliments the film in every way that a musical score can.

I also love Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I feel that this film has cemented him as one of the coolest fucking actors working in Hollywood today.

There's too much to love about this movie. I could honestly watch is 100 times and never get bored. It won't win for best film of the year, but in my mind there is no more obvious choice.

There you have it. What would you put in there?

Who I'll Marry

Because I am single, it would appear that I have a conglomeration of options to pick whomsoever I wanted to date. I like to think of myself as a nice catch, so finding a member of the opposite sex who semi-tolerates me shouldn't be too difficult, right? Well... whatever the case may be, I remain single. It could be because I'm shooting too high. You can decide for yourself, for here are the top three women I'm holding out for with hopes of marrying them.

1) Zooey Deschenel

A lot to like here. She's beautiful, she's witty, and she's got (in my honest opinion) a really sexy voice. She currently sings in a two person group known as "She and Him". If you need proof that angels exist, just listen to one of her songs. Or check out this clip from behind the scenes on CONAN:

Hell... yes. If she could meld her character's personalities from ELF and 500 days of Summer, then that's the perfect girl for me. Also, I'm sure her child bearing hips will be sure to give me a fit, masculine child. I don't want to plan too far ahead. Just giving myself something to shoot for (pun intended...?)

2) Taylor Swift

I first started paying attention to T. Swift when I heard Love Story for the first time. First of all, great song. Second of all: How can you not like a girl who has big enough balls to change the ending of William Shakespeare's classic tragedy? That's like changing the ending of the Titanic so that instead of hitting an iceberg and sinking, everybody lands safely and eats pie at a carnival. Point made.

She's also pretty damn cute and although I wouldn't classify her looks as "hot", she is definitely beautiful. Taylor Swift, if you're reading this, you should probably consider a life of happiness with yours truly. I'll give you plenty of great inspiration for love songs. Also, I want you to read me a bedtime story as I fall asleep. Just saying.

3) Mrs. Carlson

Every boy has a crush on a certain teacher as they're growing up. For me, it was the darling woman who taught me in pre-school. Ahh yes... I had a huge crush on the woman who taught me to keep my mouth away from that plate of glitter and glue. Sure, she was too old for me back then... and yes, the last time I saw her was 18 years ago, but that doesn't mean I should give up hope. Although I can't remember what she looked like, I'm sure she was pure beauty personified. I only go for the hot danes.

* It should be noted that this picture is not of Mrs. Carlson. But who knows, it could be...

There you have it, ladies. If you're one of those three, do not hesitate to phone me directly. I am ready and willing.

Tats

I’ve occasionally entertained the idea of getting a tattoo. It’s a short-lived debate because I’m too much of a pre-pubescent girl to actually go through with it. A tattoo is sort of like a bumper sticker: something you get for yourself, but it also serves as a badge to show off to all around you. It’s also stuck there forever. We’ve all seen those cars with bumper stickers for something that’s completely out of date. Ones like, “Ross Perot for President”, or “I Heart Women Suffrage”. Sorry to tell you but these aren’t really relevant today. Yet, there they sit on your tired vehicle. If you try to remove ‘em you can never quite get it all. Every person approaches an outdated bumper sticker the same way:

"Okay. All I have to do is pull up on this one protruding corner. Look sticker… my track record of removing you cleanly is spotty at best. But this time it’s going to be different. Today is the day that I get ALL of you. I can see your weaknesses clearly now. OK, world… await my victory!

(riiiiiip) “Shit! It happened again! Okay, this isn’t terrible. I think I got a third of it off now. Just gotta dig under it a little more… and… I’ll… have it. . . (riiiiiiiiip) Shit! It’s ok. Keep your calm, Tim. Everything will work out in the end. Half… way… there.” . . (Riiii Riiiiiii Riiiiiiiiiiip Rip)

“HA!! HA HAAA! VICTORY! You were a stubborn little bastard but I got you now. I laugh in your pathetic little sticky face. HA HA HA.--- Now what the hell is this sticky residue you left behind? “

Truth be told, you can never remove a bad bumper sticker completely. Tattoos are permanent in the same way. Sure, you may be able to get them removed somewhere down the road, but who in their right mind wants to be left with a sticky residue (or in this case: sticky residue = a puss filled skin sac).

Going hand-in-hand with a tattoo is tattoo regret. All kinds of thoughts fly through your brain. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my dogs name tattooed on my scalp.” Or, “Maybe it isn’t the brightest idea to tattoo my bank account under my wrist watch”. Twenty years from now I don’t want to be staring at my kickass Blue’s Clue’s tat seeing the word, “loser”, instead of an innocent blue paw print. That and the fact that having a plethora of kids pointing at my leg shouting, “A CLUE! A CLUE!” is plain creepy.

There’s a long list of things that I’m afraid of. It’s a list so extensive that it rivals anything that Schindler could ever dream of compiling. Tattoo regret makes that list. BUT!.... here is my proposal for a totally awesome tattoo that would make everyone around you jealous. This idea was born from the fact that if I were to tattoo my body, I would want something Irish. I’ve thought about a Celtic cross, an Irish flag, or hell, maybe even a box of Lucky Charms cereal- all amateur compared to what I came up with:

Ready for this? Located on your left wrist is a tattoo of a leprechaun. Travelling up your entire arm to your shoulder is a rainbow. This rainbow continues the entire way across your chest until it reaches your other shoulder, then travels down your right arm. Waiting at your right wrist will be a tattoo of a pot of gold. BOOM! Genius, I know.

Upon telling this to a co-worker, I was notified that it “sounded sort of gay”. That person is a fool. What, it’s gay just because there’s a rainbow involved!? Screw that. I have zero problems with gay people, but who do they think they are for hijacking the rainbow and making it theirs? They had no right to do that. Rainbow’s are totally badass, right? Gay people need to seriously consider a different symbol. Richard Simmons could be a possibility.

FREE THE RAINBOW!

Scars... Sexy, right?

Chicks dig scars. At least that's what I've heard. If you ask me, I don't particularly understand the obsession. Are girls really sitting around going, "Tommy has a nice body, but ya know what... it's really missing some sort of disfigurement to make it a GREAT body!" ? If they are (they are), there are some serious fetish problems prevalent in todays youth (there are). After all, R & B singer Seal has it working for him.

Ladies, you're in luck... for concealed beneath my polyester exterior lie not one, but two scars! Woooo two for the price of one! Driving you wild, isn't it? They are located flush on my hairless, egg white, chest. By now, you're no doubt wondering how it was that I obtained such manly medallions. Before I continue, I must warn you that some of these details are disturbing. Continue reading at your own risk... for the manner in which I obtained these scars may shock you. I guarantee, you're opinion on me will change by the end of reading this (it won't).

SCAR NUMBER ONE

I must have been no older than six or seven. Each and every summer, my family would vacation in Cape Cod at our families getaway house. Located in my bedroom sat an antique rocking horse. Made of wood and standing about four feet by two feet, this rocking horse was a cornerstone of the bedroom. When I was little, I would delight in spending countless hours (minutes) on this horse. But now I was six (or seven) and the horse was too small for me. Instead of climbing on top of it, I melancholically pushed the empty apparatus from the front. I would start out slow, then increase the rate and speed at which I pushed and shoved. That was until it kicked back. The tip of the nose caught my flat chest square, and out poured blood. Before you knew it there was a pool of blood all over the carpet. I would eventually pass out from losing so much blood only to awake at Cape Cod General Hospital -----

Okay, okay... that really isn't true. I tried to juice that up a bit for ratings... and sympathy. Truth is, there wasn't too much blood at all... but there was a gash (more of a scrape, really). In actuality, it really didn't hurt. Yet, to this day there remains a one inch scar from this fateful incident. (Remember... I warned you to stop reading).

SCAR NUMBER TWO

I... am... ticklish. Very ticklish actually. This has been a constant struggle for my entire life. Take doctor visits for example: When my doctor had to do that test where they lays hands on your abdomen, I would be giggling like a little girl. It was embarrassing. Every time... giggles. Not very manly whatsoever.

As soon as anyone got their hands (no pun intended) on this piece of information, they would not hesitate to use it. I was tickle fodder. An old girlfriend (as in ex, not elderly) used to abuse this knowledge constantly. I would be doubled over on the floor, laughing hysterically, trying to gasp a breath, while praying that it would soon be over. The tickling got so severe that at one point, I obtained a nice scratch on my chest, located kiddie corner to my rocking horse scar. It bled a little... and it hurt... but this girl just kept on scratching me to death. All the while, there I lay, laughing hysterically at my pain. Needless to say this was not a proud moment in the life of me.

There you have it. My two scars: one from a rocking horse. The other from a fight of tickles. Manly, right? No? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

:)

My Morning

This morning I had a homeless man dance up to me.

Before I launch into my story of this homely looking individual, let me provide some background information. NOTE: Ironic that homeless people look homely.

For five days a week, my day job requires me to be a Mike Rowe wannabe.

Job title: Fire Extinguisher Technician

Employer: Moore Fire Equipment

Location: The ghetto (Hood would also be acceptable)

Usually, when explaining my job to an interested party, I receive a plethora of confused looks and follow-up questions. When I said that I'm a Mike Rowe wannabe, I meant it. This is because, depending on the day, my work can take me to places I've never been before. Places like this for example:

I work at the family business started by my grandfather. We service, inspect, and sell fire extinguishers for both commercial and private facilities. We also install fire suppression systems in restaurant kitchens. If you ever want to know how clean a restaurant's kitchen is, I'm the guy to ask. (Hint- Don't eat Chinese!) Regardless of where I am on a given day, the work usually incorporates some kind of back-breaking labor. I swear I haven't had smooth or clean hands in over a year. When the job doesn't take us on the road, you can find us working in our shop (located in the gut of Albany. AKA The ghetto).

It goes without saying that the business is located in a rough patch of the city. There have been shootings down the street, stabbings around the block, vandalism on vacant buildings (to which there are several), and enough littering to overwork a Wall-E machine. Case in point, just a few weeks ago, two of our car windows were shot out by BB's:

Check around the nearest corner, and chances are you'll find at least one transient wanderer; most making you extremely uncomfortable at the slightest bit of eye contact. Now to my story:

My morning started just like any other:

-Got to work around 8

-Made Coffee

-Opened garage door to vent the humid shop air out into the wild

-Set up workbench

-Watched a homeless man do jumping jacks-----Hold on, what?

Before the Susanne Summers workout session began, I made a key flaw that drew this man's attention: I made eye contact. All of a sudden, his direction of travel shifted from the sidewalk to our shop's driveway. He then told me to watch what he was doing. Now... inside my head I had already begun saying a "Hail Mary" while I simultaneously scanned the area for the most accessible device to use as a weapon.

Instead of attacking me, the homeless man (dressed in a pink Yankee's jersey nonetheless) began doing jumping jacks in our driveway. He mumbled for the most part but some of what he said was clearly audible:

"This is how you to it bro. This is how it's done. I do this everyday."

Not knowing what to say, my brain just spit out, "Oh. What are you doing, exactly?"

Still flailing his arms and legs about, he replied, "I'm just living life. I do this everyday. I jog in place five miles everyday. This is living. This is the life."

That's right. He jogs five miles a day... in place. So....... he's pretty much a human treadmill. The poor man's treadmill, if you will.

After advising me on living life to the fullest, he proceeded to meander closer to me. The uncomfortable feeling inside of me increased at this point. Instead of approaching me directly, he veered off to some nearby pine bushes. "This is what it's all about," he said. He then took a branch in his hand and breathed in heavy through his nose. Now, I could be wrong, but what I think he was trying to convey was that you have to stop and smell the roses. Only, with no rose bushes located anywhere on the block, he decided a plain pine bush would suffice. However odd his gesture was, his message was clear. A few more lines of dialogue were spoken. He filled me in on how he doesn't understand why people stare at him while he does this all day long. Hmm... I didn't really have an answer for that one.

Eventually he sauntered off never to be seen again. As I went back to work, all I could think about was his odd display of wisdom. "Stop and smell the roses", I thought. Wise words to live by. In today's world, we're all moving a thousand miles an hour to get as much done as we can. In our cars... on the street.... at our jobs... it seems we're always in a hurry. The bottom line: Instead of running all over the place, why not jog right where we stand? We might notice a thing or two about our surroundings that we never took in before... Some new appreciation for life that wasn't there before. Sometimes, we need to take time to stop and smell the roses. That's the lesson I learned from my homeless fortune cookie of a friend.

(Side note: After he left I swiftly closed the garage door to avoid any more contact)

:)

Rant

The world is going to shit.

"Why, Tim... what makes you say such a thing?"

Let me explain.

This has zilch to do with the ever-staggering economy. Nor does it relate to Iran or North Korea furthering their agenda to destroy the world. It doesn't even pertain to terrorists, NYC mosques, rabid dogs, little old ladies trying to cross the street, or gender confused cuttlefish. No, my friends. What I have in mind is far worse than all of these factors combined.

Jersey Shore's "the situation" is making five million dollars this season.

FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!

I shit you not.

Gee... I wish I could make a cool five mil by being a morally reprehensible, stereotyping scumbag. Take a look around ladies and gents. This is the world we live in. A world where thousands of American businesses are struggling to keep up their payroll while giant douches like "The Situation" stand to get fat.

Evidently, he goes by this name because his abs are actually what "the situation" refers to. What.... a..... jackass. I have a name for my abs too. I call them the Tyrannosaurus Rex... because much like the T-rex, they are extinct. All right Mr. TV Producer, can I have my check now?

It's not just "The Situation". It's everything about that show. Snookie looks like something mothers threaten their kids with when their acting up. "Kids, if you don't behave the Snookie will come eat you." Then she pulls out a picture of what the monster looks like, and the children promptly jump out the nearest window.

Then there's Pauly D; a guy who must have gone to the barber after watching a marathon of the movie "Eraserhead".

*Which is which???

Honestly, do girls go for the "troll doll that just got dropped in the toilet" look? If so, I'm in for a lonely life.

In the end, I really don't care that these people are walking stereotypes capable of offending every race, creed, and code. That's not the part that bothers me. It's the fact that they are, indeed, members of the human race. You see, I'm a big fan of the human race. Every living person has substantial potential to make the world a better place to live in. Yes, every so often a bad egg comes along and wants global domination. And yes, some decide to hack up their family members because they heard a voice in their head forcing their hand. But people for the most part are inherently well intentioned. Annnnnnd then there's the Jersey Shore crew.

We're screwed.